Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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