My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
