my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
