Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
