The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
