i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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