I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize