Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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