How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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