i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
