good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Hippo gnu deer
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize