I can tuck mytits in my pants
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
