my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
