She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
