dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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