My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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