Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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