I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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