Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
