i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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