There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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