i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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