If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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