So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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