DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Randomize
