I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Found your dick twin last night
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I have aggressive nipples.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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