I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Just puked most of my soul out..
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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