on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
smell my finger.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
