I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize