I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
