So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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