last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
