the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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