People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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