woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
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