I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
how do flat chested girls get laid?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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