You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
