we have pet lesbian snakes
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
