she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
