i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
