a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
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