this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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