Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i just google imaged poop.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
