My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
