so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She's the barista slut.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
