i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
