The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm like, not good at living.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
