yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
