Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
