Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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