My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
