I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
