just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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