Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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