rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
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