I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
