My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
