Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Randomize