I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
